Are you happy?

"Are you happy?"

For Jack, throughout the day, it's important to do a quick check of the family state. It matters to him. It's personal. "Mommy, are you happy? Daddy, are you happy? Anna, Cici, are you happy?". I often get an even sweeter treatment when, at a random moment, he will crawl in my lap and say, "I do so love you" and give me a hug. This is followed immediately by, "Are you happy?".

But the question is only part of the puzzle. You can't say no, not really, right now I'm tired/sad/annoyed/worried. If you do, he gets upset. "No you're not! You're happy!". My boy NEEDS you to be happy. He wants it, he revels in it, not just for how it reflects on him but for his sense of security in all things. Knowing this, that by simply feeling good I can make everything alright for him, makes me happy.

Last week we learned that a friend's little girl, just Jack's age, died in an incredibly tragic accident. I spent the days after in a haze of sadness, every moment wondering in the back of my head how her mother keeps breathing, how she ever stops crying, if she could ever stop going back over and over those lost moments trying to turn back time and make it different.

I was folding some laundry on the floor and Jack came over, climbed straight through a tidy pile of towels and sat in my lap. Until that moment I hadn't even realized I'd been crying. "Mommy, I do so love you. Are you happy?".

No. I wasn't happy. Not at all. But I gave him a hug and said, "Yes. I'm happy", because that's what he needed. It is a gift I can give him, something simple that makes his day. Being able to do that, having that chance in that moment of sadness, made me happy.

I pray that my friend can someday find some measure of that happiness again, though surrounded by her grief. Somehow, I hope it is possible. Until then, send up a prayer for innocence lost too soon. Then go find something beautiful, like a superhero playing outer space and wearing a pirate hat, and remember to be happy, even if it's just a tiny little spark on an otherwise dark day.

She was a happy child, too.